A Day of Serenity

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

This is known as the Serenity Prayer.  

A quick backstory:    It first appeared in 1944 in a sermon by an American theologian, Reinhold Niebuhr.  It has been adopted and adapted by many groups throughout the years, most notably AA (Alcoholics Anonymous).  When they adopted it, they added a whole other stanza to it, but it isn’t as well-known.  So for the reference, I’m primarily only focusing on the first part, which is also the most familiar.

Initially, I wasn’t planning on writing about this.  While I did intend to talk about acceptance and surrendering, and had this whole story in the works about a frustrating scenario I went through with my mechanic for 6 months.  But then the Universe suggested the Serenity Prayer; and recommended I use this as an opportunity to really expand upon what it represents.  So… I accepted that, and welcomed it.    

 

This prayer is pretty simple, yet quite impactful.  It only has 3 parts.  The first asks for serenity to accept what cannot be changed.      

The virtue of acceptance is really difficult sometimes.  For many people, the concept of acceptance is truly quite difficult.  Personally, out of all the virtues, I think this is the hardest one.  We thrash and wince to avoid change. It pains us to accept things that suddenly appear different.  We resist a lot of things that are different. We would rather judge and exclude other people instead of accepting them as who they are.  In general, the concept of acceptance is viewed as a burden. You woke up feeling sick.  Or the dog just destroyed the couch.   Or your children are being a nuisance.  Or your car doesn’t start.  Or suddenly a certain individual you love is no longer in your life.  When things like these happen, trying to accept them just feels like part of the frustration.  However… it’s in moments like these that the act of acceptance becomes a virtue. 

 

The principle of acceptance is only a challenge when it’s something negative.  Acceptance is easy if it’s something fun and exciting.  Imagine if you learned you had won a contest somehow and were awarded $1,000.  It’s likely you’d be pretty ok with that.  But that’s not always how life goes.  So, because life itself can be the frustration, the act of acceptance becomes part of the challenge.  

Not everybody is great at accepting things.  When frustrating things happen, a lot of times it helps to talk it out.  Then when you try and talk about it, you might not always get the clearest advice.  Some people simply give a generic answer like: “It’s ok, you’ll get over it” or “Just let it go.”  I’m sure you’ve heard that before; or I’m sure you’ve said that before. And in a way, that’s not the worst advice out there, but it’s also not the clearest.  What even is that “it” that you have to let go of?  What is that “it” that you have to get over?  Why do some people struggle with that “it” more than others?  The “it” that impedes your acceptance is a barrier.  It’s a barrier the ego has built.  It’s a barrier of resistance that’s preventing you from doing any sort of acceptance at all.

I enjoy using the weather as a metaphor for this, because the weather is constantly changing.   The weather does exactly what the weather does and none of us can control it.   If it’s going to rain today, then it's going to rain today.... no matter what you do, or say, or think.  And if we are anticipating rain, we grab our boots and our umbrellas and we prepare to face it.  I'm sure you might be thinking:  "Of course, we always do that."  And that's the point.   The weather will change outside of our control, so what do we do?   We accept it, and we change.  We acclimate to the changing situations and we change how we dress ourselves in preparation to address the new weather.   We can't stop it from raining, but we can stop ourselves from getting wet. 

Things change, people change, seasons change.  It is our responsibility to let go of that feeling that we have the utmost control.  The weather is constantly changing around us.  In most times, we are aware of this change and are prepared for it.  So ask yourself:  "How can my response to the weather guide me through other changes in my life?"  Sometimes, we might not like that things change, but we can acclimate to it.  Half the battle is simply accepting that we cannot control the concept of time. 

Remind yourself that the “it” we get over or let go is our own resistance to change.  And any resistance we feel is governed by the ego.  We are built this way because the ego will struggle over and over and over again to resist the very simple truth that it is not in control.

How did the ego become so resistant?

Let’s begin with the core fact that the ego is the belief that one can be separated from Love.  The ego thrives on the belief in separation, any belief in separation, and will capitalize on any opportunity to foster this separation.  With this in mind, it makes sense that the ego would want to be resistant to any natural flow.  Or, that the ego would rather widen any schism it can have with Love, so that it can substitute it with devices of its own.   

Therefore the challenge of describing how to accept things is not about describing how to actually accept things, but rather to remove all the barriers the ego has built on behalf of its resistance.  These barriers exist because the ego wants things to be comfortable and will shield itself from the simple concept of acceptance, because acceptance stems from peace, and peace stems from Love.  And the ego will do whatever it can to shield itself from Love because Love represents Oneness; and to the ego, Oneness is a threat.  

One of the ‘resistance barriers’ that the ego attempts to use against Love is expectation.  When the ego makes expectations, and those expectations get interrupted, then the ego has to face the truth of its own errors.  But the ego, by nature of what the ego is, can’t deal with that, and therefore it resists.  The ego resists truth, plain and simple.  The ego will always resist truth, and will try and substitute it with its own glorification, which it will gladly welcome.

Do you not like the way the weather is?  Then maybe you had some expectation of what you think a perfect day is, then got upset because it didn’t happen.  Therefore, you’ll need to get over the ego’s expectations and accept the truth of what really happened.  Do you not like the behavior or clothing of someone else?  Did you construct a template in your head of what an ideal person should be?  Did you feel angry or judgmental with them because they don’t align with your expectations?  Then maybe you’ll need to let go of the ego’s template of expectations it assigns to others and accept the truth of who they are.  Have you ever accidentally spilled something, or broken something?  I bet you didn’t expect it to happen and the surprise upset you, plus now you have to clean it up, and that’s not fun.  But you can’t change the past, and you’ll just have to accept that.

The second part of the Serenity Prayer asks for the courage to change things that you can change. 

This part can be interpreted in possibly 2 ways.  You could see it as a call-to-action to assertiveness, initiative, and responsibility.  Or, you can view it as an invitation for self-reflection and inner-change.  

But what is courage?                   

Let’s start by addressing fear.  Fear is an expectation.  It’s an expectation that an insecurity or something vulnerable will become exposed without our permission.  Courage, from the French 'coeur' for heart, is the willingness to reveal those insecurities by ourselves. Our fears are born in the ego because expectations themselves originate in the ego.   If fear is an expectation, and if expectations are of the ego, and if the ego is an illusion… then guess what… fear is an illusion too!

Most of what composes fear is imaginary.  We imagine things, we imagine results, we imagine consequences and then we fear them.  We imagine future outcomes for present circumstances; and if that expectation threatens a core example of our vulnerability, it becomes tremendously scary.  We fear that discomfort.  We will do anything and everything in our power to avoid having to feel it.  Physical pain, feelings of grief/loss, embarrassment…even financial stress can all be seen as examples of stress we might attempt to avoid.  However, much of what life is, is our ability to tolerate the discomfort.  Fear happens, but you can cope with it; you can nurse yourself through it.  All will be well in the end.  

If this part of the Serenity Prayer is about the spirit of responsibility, then utilize your courage to make a change.  “Be the change you wish to see in the world!”  You can make that change!  You can be a steward of the earth.  You can stand up for what you believe is right.  You can use courage and you can encourage.  Many people misunderstand acceptance or surrendering as just giving up, and that’s wrong.  However, it is what the ego wants us to believe surrendering is.  Because then we’ve failed, and suffering glorifies the ego yet again.  This is a belief we can certainly change!  

 

Whether or not this line of the Serenity Prayer is about changing the environment around you or changing the environment within you, ultimately, there has to be a change within before there’s any change out here.  And this might sound familiar to Michael Jackson fans:  “If you wanna make the world a better place, you gotta look at yourself and make that change.”  Just like the analogy of the weather, we can’t change the weather, but we can change ourselves.  You are in control of your attitudes.  You can control your thoughts, and your decisions.  You’re in control of your emotions and motivations.   These are things you can influence.  I hope that you didn’t expect this part of the prayer to imply that it’s your responsibility to go out and change people.  Love does not try to change people, the ego does.  You are your own responsibility.  And this is why Alcoholics Anonymous embraced this prayer.  You are the authority of your own mind.